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每一次冲突都是挑战个人机智和化解尴尬能力的大好机会!一起跟着TED演讲者安娜斯塔西娅·蓬莱特(Anastasia Penright)来学习如何用“五步法”化解&避开职场矛盾:

Alright. I have a close, tight-knit circle of friends. We're all in different cities and we're all in different areas, from local news to city government to law, financial services...And despite those different areas, we seem to share similar stories of workplace drama. Now, I define workplace drama as an annoyance that adds additional stress to the job. So again, it's when people get on your nerves, not the job itself. So as we're going through these stories, I'm realizing there has to be a better way for us to coexist with our coworkers without this much drama. So I created a few steps that have been working for me, and I'm happy to share them with you guys today.

我有一群关系很亲密的朋友。我们住在不同的城市,从事不同的职业,从当地新闻台,到市政府,再到法律,金融服务等领域。尽管我们工作的领域不同,我们在职场中遇到的 戏剧性冲突却很相似。我把职场冲突定义为一种给工作增添了额外压力的烦扰。这种烦扰是其他人给你带来的,而非来自工作本身。当我们交流这些故事时,我意识到,一定有某种方法 能让我们跟同事和睦相处,从而避免过多戏剧性的冲突。于是我就设计了几个 自己感觉非常有用的步骤,我很高兴今天能够与大家分享。

Step 1: rewind and reflect, also known as, "What did I do?" I want you guys to all replay your most recent workplace drama situation in your head like a movie. Ignore all of the emotion and just focus on you. But for now, let's just think about this hypothetical: say you're on a group project, you each have your own individual assignments and then you all divide up the work. But then someone becomes unresponsive - not answering calls, they go ghost. Then you or someone else has to now pick up that additional slack. So in a brief, small, very tiny lapse in judgment, you vent to the nearby coworker. Then all of a sudden, your ghost comes back, and they surprisingly know everything you just said.

第一步:回顾与反思。也就是:“我做了什么?” 我希望各位可以在脑海中像电影一样回放 最近在职场中遇到冲突的场景。忽略所有情绪,仅专注于自身。不过现在,让我们假想一下:你正在做一个小组项目。你们每个人都有各自的任务,把所有工作都分配好了。但忽然有人失去了联络——不接电话,人间蒸发,导致你或其他人需要接手 被丢下的额外工作。紧接着因为一个短暂、渺小、轻微的判断失误,你跟旁边的同事发泄了一下。突然,消失的人回来了,还意外地知道了你所说的一切。

Now, what did I do in this situation? I vented to someone who was not my confidant. Why would I do that? Sometimes we create this unspoken bond with people that only exists in our heads. They don't owe me their discretion. I just assumed it was there. So we're not going to go down a rabbit hole, trying to figure out why they did that. It doesn't matter. They did it. But the goal in this step is self-reflection. We need to focus on what did we do so we can avoid it in the future.

那在这种情况下,我做了些什么呢?我向并非密友的人抱怨。为什么我会这么做?有些时候, 我们以为和他人心照不宣,却可能是自作多情。他们没有义务替我保密。我只是默认会有这种默契。所以我们没必要刨根问底地 试图弄清楚他们为什么要那么做。这不重要。他们就是这么做了。但是,这一步的目标是自我反思。我们需要专注于我们做了些什么,这样才能避免在未来重蹈覆辙。

Step 2: come back to reality, also known as, "It needs to stop." So you guys ever think about problems before you get to work? Oh -- it's just me? Well, I'm guilty of it. I think about all of these situations in my head, and then I get mad just thinking about it. So I'm telling myself, "No, you're just being prepared, Stacy." "You are just making sure that you can handle whatever they're about to throw at you." But you're not. What you're really doing is setting yourself up and creating this anxiety in your head that doesn't exist.

第二步:回到现实,也称为 “是时候停下了。” 你们可曾在上班之前考虑过会遇到的问题?哦——只有我一个吗?好吧,我承认,我会在脑海里设想所有情况,但仅仅是想想这些事情 都会让我生气。我告诉我自己:“不,你只是想有备无患,斯黛西。” “你只是在确认你能够应对 有可能发生的任何状况。” 但事实并非如此。你只不过是在给自己埋伏陷阱, 并在脑海里制造了并不存在的焦虑。

Then we also have to be careful about listening to other people's made-up scenarios. Here's what I mean. Let's say you're in the break room, and you're talking to some coworkers. Then, all of a sudden, another coworker comes in. Now, they seem to just be in deep thought - not overly cheerful, but they're not rude. They come in, they walk out. Then the coworkers over here begin to diagnose what they feel is wrong with that person. They're saying things like, "Oh, they're just mad they didn't get the job." Or they're saying, "Oh, no, no, no -- during this season, they're just always upset." And you're sitting here like, yep, that must be it. You're listening to this as if this is facts. Meanwhile, this coworker can be in deep thought about literally anything. They could have just opened a pack of Starburst, got four yellows back-to-back, and they're just trying to figure out what happened.

另外,在听别人假设的场景时,我们应当保持谨慎。我来解释一下。比方说你正在休息室 和一些同事聊天。突然,另一位同事走了进来。这位同事看起来像是在沉思——没有喜形于色,但也并不无礼。他/她走进来,又走出去。接着这边的同事便开始分析他们觉得这个人哪里 “不对劲”。他们说:“哦,那人只是因为没拿到那份工作而生气。” 或者他们说:“哦不不不,在这个季节,那人一直就是这么烦躁。” 而你坐在这边,心想:嗯,一定就是这样。你把这些话当成了事实。与此同时,这位同事在沉思的有可能是任何事情。他有可能刚拆开了一包水果糖,一连吃了四块柠檬味的,现在正在怀疑人生。

But you're over here listening. And you're listening to their made-up scenario that now can impact how you choose to interact with that person throughout the day.


Whether we're creating fake stories in our head or listening to other people's made-up stories, it needs to stop. The goal in this step: stop stressing over things that haven't happened.


Alright. Step 3: vent and release. It's good to have a vent buddy. This is your coach, your cheerleader, your therapist, whatever you need them to be in the moment. This is not like that person in Step 1 that just happened to be in earshot. You have an established relationship with your vent buddy.

好的。第三步:发泄和释放。[ “我们该停一停了。” ] 有一个发泄伙伴是很好的。这个人可以是你的教练、啦啦队、心理治疗师, 或是在那一刻你需要这个人扮演的任何角色,而不是第一步里遇到的 碰巧在你身边的人。你和你的发泄对象已经建立好了关系。

Now, here's another scenario. You're getting ready to tell a customer or a client something that they just don't want to hear. So, as you're in the middle of this spiel, up comes another coworker, and they interrupt you and then says the exact same thing you were saying. You can't make a scene in front of a customer. So you just have to sit back, "Mm-hmm," and just listen as they do this. And you're burning up inside. So what do we do? We go to our vent buddy. We talk about it. We get mad. And that's the time for that. Get mad. Get angry. Curse, scream, do whatever you need to do to get it out.

现在有另外一个场景。你正准备告诉一位顾客或者客户 他不想听到的消息。当你正在对客户滔滔不绝的时候, 另一位同事过来了, 他打断了你, 然后说了和你刚才一模一样的话。你不能在顾客面前大吵大闹。你只能若无其事的点头称是, 然后听他继续。而你的内心早已怒火中烧。我们该怎么做?我们去找我们的发泄对象。我们谈论这件事,我们发火。这是应该发火的时候。你可以生气、 咒骂、尖叫, 尽己所能进行宣泄。

Now here's the hard part: you then have to switch that tone to positivity. I truly believe in positive and negative energy, and it has a way of controlling our moods throughout the day. You've got to think of things like, "OK, where do I go from here? What can I do differently?" And then, if you're the vent buddy, it's your responsibility to lead your friend back to the positive.

接下来是难点:接着你需要让语气变得积极。我坚信正能量和负能量,这些能量控制了我们一天的心情。你得去思考:“好的,接下来我要做什么?我可以做出什么改变?” 如果你是被发泄对象,你的责任就是引导你的朋友重新变得积极。

Now, the other hard part: you have to then apply those learnings to the situation. You can't carry that resentment around. If you do, that one-off situation now becomes a pattern. Pattern behavior is harder to ignore than a one-off situation. The goal in this step is, "Let's turn our vent session into a productive conversation."


Step 4: learn a new language, also known as, "We need to talk." Guys, I personally don't like to pick up the phone at work. I just don't. I feel like whatever you need to say to me can be an instant message or an email. That is my work language.

第四步:学习一种新的语言, 又称为 “我们需要谈一谈。” 我个人不喜欢在上班时间接电话。我就是不喜欢。我觉得不管你需要跟我说什么,都可以发信息或者邮件。这就是我的工作语言。

The only problem with that, you can't hear tone through an email. I read emails the same way I speak, so I'm pretty sure I've misinterpreted some tones before, unless I know you. So here's an example. I'm going to show you guys an email, and I want you to read it, and then I'm going to read it out loud. Alright, that was fast enough, you should have read it.

唯一的问题在于,你没法在邮件里听到别人的语气。我读邮件的方式和我说话时一样, 所以我敢肯定我之前有误会过别人的语气,除非我对这个人很了解。举一个例子。我将给各位展示一封邮件,我希望你们读一下,然后我会大声把它念出来。好的,过了好几秒了,你们应该读完了。

"Stacy, Thank you for reaching out about my group. At this time, we will not need any additional support. Going forward, if I feel we need help, I'll ask, you won't have to reach out. Per my last email (attached below), I've outlined what I do, and what you do, so we can avoid this in the future. As always, thank you for your partnership!!"

“斯黛西,感谢你与我们团队联系。目前我们不需要额外的帮助。日后,如果我觉得我们需要帮助,我会主动询问,你不必联系我们。参见我上次的邮件(见附件),我概述了我做什么,以及你需要做什么, 这样我们就可以避免类似的情况再次发生。一如既往,感谢你的合作!”

Guys...That's how you read it? Guys, there are certain words in there that if you hear or if you see in an email, it is safe to assume they typed it with their middle fingers. I didn't know it then. I know it now. I think I messed up some people's emails. They're correcting them.

朋友们…… 你们刚才是这么读的吗?这当中有一些用词,如果你听到或者是在一封邮件里看到这些字眼,你可以确信他们是用中指敲的这些字。我之前不知道不过现在我知道了。我估计有些人也觉得不对劲,开始修正邮件里的措辞了。

With all of that said, you have to know when it is time to pick up the phone. You have to know when it is time to have a face-to-face. And these face-to-face conversations are not easy. They are difficult, but they are necessary. The goal is to try to understand the other person's perspective. So you'll start the conversation with things like, "OK, you got upset when I ..." Or you'll say things like, "OK, you already had the situation handled, and then I ..." So that way, you can see exactly where they're coming from.

概括一下就是,你必须明白什么时候要打电话, 什么时候面对面交流比较好。这些面对面的对话并不轻松。虽然困难,但是很有必要。这里的目标是尝试理解对方的角度。你可以这样开启对话:“ 好的,我(做了某件事) 让你觉得生气。” 或者你可以说:“ 好的,你已经解决了当时的情况, 然后我……” 这样你就可以准确地从对方的角度看待问题。

Also, don't try to make people like you. We all have our own upbringings. We all have our experiences. And we all have our own communication styles. As the new generations are entering the workforce, we're also adapting to it. Meetings are now emails. Emails are now texts. Off-sites are now Skype. So as we're adjusting to that, we need to at least try to understand what type of style of communication they use. The goal in that step is to really understand their work language and accept the fact that it may be different than yours.

还有,不要试图让别人变得和你一样。我们都有不同的成长经历。我们都有自己的体验和交流方式。当新一代人进入职场,我们也要去适应这种变化。会议变成了邮件。邮件变成了短信。场外会面变成了视频通话。当我们在适应新的交流方式时,我们至少应试图了解 别人在用哪种交流方式。这一步的目标是真正理解别人的工作语言,并接受一个事实:别人的工作语言可能会和你不同。

Step 5: recognize and protect, also known as, "We need to take a walk." So here's my last scenario from one of my teacher friends. You're about to have a meeting with a parent, and prior to it, you and a coworker, you kind of discuss it, and the coworker tells you, "It's alright, I got your back. I'm going to agree with your recommendations." So you're kind of side-eyeing them because they've burned you before, but you've had the "we need to talk," so you're like, "We're in sync now, I'm going to trust them." You go through the meeting, the parent disagrees with you, and like clockwork, the coworker agrees with the parent in front of you, making you look ridiculous. Again, we can't make a scene in front of people, right? So you've got to hold it in. And then, after the meeting, that same coworker has all the audacity, comes up to you and says, "Crazy meeting, right?"

第五步:认识和保护,也称为 “我们需要出去走一走”。我要介绍的最后一个场景来自我的一位教师朋友。你正要和一位家长面谈,在那之前,你和一位同事讨论了一下,你的同事说:“ 没事,我挺你, 我会同意你的推荐的。” 你斜眼看着这个人,因为他之前坑过你。但是你们谈过话了,所以你觉得:“ 我们步调一致了,我要相信这个人。” 你去了这个会议,家长不同意你的观点,然后这位同事精准地在你面前赞同了家长的观点,让你出尽洋相。我们还是不能在别人面前大发雷霆,对吧?你必须强忍怒火。在会议结束之后,这位同事居然有胆子过来跟你说:“ 这会议太奇葩了,对吧?”

Yeah. They're testing you now. It's a test. (Laughs) So that's the perfect time to just go off, right? This is a repeat offender. You walked away, and they came back with it. But we're trying to avoid workplace drama, not take a cannonball leap into it, so we have to walk away. You lead that conversation by taking the first available exit. You're not doing this for them. You're doing this for you. You have to protect your energy. Don't try to figure out why they would do this, and no more coming-to-Jesus conversations. It is what it is, they did what they did, and given the opportunity, they'd probably do it again. But you now know that. You now recognize that. So that way, you can act accordingly.

没错。他在考验你。这是个考验。(笑声) 这是个完美的爆发时机,对吧?这个人是惯犯了。你退避三舍,他得寸进尺。但是我们要尽量避免职场冲突,而不是火上浇油, 所以我们必须走开。你一找到时机就要退场,借此退出这段对话。你这么做不是为了他。你是为了你自己。你必须保护自己的正能量。不要试图深究为什么他们要这么做,也没必要再去促膝长谈。事实就是这样,他们这么做了,有机会的话,他们很有可能会故技重施。但是你现在已经知道了。你已经认识到了。这样,你就可以采取相应的行动。

We typically try to set expectations - our expectations - on other people, and then get disappointed when they don't follow through. We have to learn to accept people where they are and adjust ourselves to handle those situations.The goal in this step is to recognize when it is time to professionally walk away from someone.


Guys, I realize these steps may come off as saying, "Take the high road." And people always say it. "Just take the high road." And they describe it as some elegant path of righteousness filled with rainbows and unicorns. It's not that. It's embarrassing. It's humiliating. It leaves this knot of resentment in the pit of your stomach. And as you're traveling down this amazing high road, you see billboards of things you shoulda said and things you shoulda did. You go over there and you look at the easy road, and they're chillin', not worried about a thing.

我意识到这些步骤看起来像是在说 “要活得高风亮节。” 大家总是这么说。“只要保持高姿态就好。” 他们把这种方式形容成 一条优雅而正直、充满彩虹和珍兽的道路。事实并不是这样的。它令人尴尬,令人无地自容。它会在你的胃里打一个充满怨怼的结。当你在这美好的道德高路上行走时,你看到告示牌上写着你当时应该说的事情,和你当时应该做的事情。你走过去看那条轻松的路,看到人们无忧无虑、一脸轻松。

But I have to admit, the more I travel down this road, it does get a little easier. Petty situations, they don't bother me as much. I learn little nuggets here and there. And as I continue down this path, there seem to be more opportunities waiting for me. I have like-minded people who want to connect with me, projects that people want me on, leaders reaching out because they heard about me through someone else. And the best part? The need to even look at the easy road is no longer there.


Guys, we're not going to change the way adults act in the workplace. We are not. And for that reason, there will always be workplace drama. But if we stick to these steps and put in the work that comes with it, we can learn to avoid it. Guys, thank you for being my vent buddies. And thank you so much for your time.



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